Bullying the Gateway to Self-Destruction

The desire to escape the emotional pain and to find acceptance became my gateway to self-destruction. I knew in my heart there had to be something I could do to numb the pain and make life better. I was right, so I thought.

Alcohol became my relief and it worked, for a little while. Take a drink and the pain just seemed to fade away; at least for a little while until the alcohol wore off. Before I knew it, I was even more depressed than before I had taken that first drink. As time went on, I found myself in a vicious cycle of chasing that first high, that first relief of pain. One sip became one gulp, one gulp became one drink, one drink became two and before I knew it 3, 4, 5... Beer became hard liquor. All alcohol does is give you temporary relief through drunkenness, and it leaves you with an even deeper depression. Alcohol is a depressant. The vicious cycle creates nothing less than an addiction with a downward spiral of depression. I was good at concealing my addiction. Moreover, I was even better at getting it. That opened a new door for me. A door to friends, so I thought.

Sure, I had friends that did not bully me. Those people were few and far in between. When it came to the mainstream peers, you know the popular kids; I simply just was not accepted. That is until I found a way. I did not like the messages that were spewing through my head and I wanted to find acceptance. Guess what, I did. There are always people out there who will accept you, especially when you are willing to compromise to meet their wants/needs. These are the type of kids who will quickly take you down a path you do not want to go on. Drugs, alcohol, sex, crime, pornography… you name it, there is a group willing to accept anyone. Hindsight, they were not friends. I was only accepted when I was able to provide and willing to compromise. Hey what did I know, I was just a teenager trying to fit in.

So what did I discover? It sucked even worse than before. Not only did I have all the past issues to deal with, now I was living a life of lies, addictions and deception. A life headed towards ultimate failure. My grades went to pot, and school attendance was sketchy. If waves were up, surfing was on. I was literally a nobody, being used by everybody. It was so bad, my teachers did not even pay attention to whether I was in class or not. I could skip and no one cared or even knew. I hated who and what I had become. My parents did not even know who I was. I am sure they thought, Billy is just some shy quiet kid who struggles through school and someday he will find himself and do well. Deep inside I was living with a monster and I wanted it to die.

There are people out there who do love and care about you. Turn to them and trust them to help you. I should have, but did not at this stage in my life. I thought the path I was on was right. Besides, I was doing what the popular kids were doing. That is what teenagers do; they live life and experiment to discover who they are. Wrong, I was killing myself from the inside out. My new acquaintances could care less as long as I would compromise and provide. Life to me had no meaning and no real purpose. Especially for someone who thought: "nobody likes you", "nobody wants you", "nobody cares", and" you will never amount to anything".

I often thought, if there is a God where is He? If I only had known what I know now. There is a God; He is in this world but not of this world. I was looking in all the wrong places.

Surfers off the West Coast of Maui

  

Proverbs 16:25

There is a way that seems right to a man,
but in the end it leads to death.

May my life be the evidence and proof of Christ's love.

The Bullying Saga Continued and I Doubted God

So where did the hurts and brokenness from bullying lead me? They led me to a place where I doubted God and His love. At least the God I thought I knew, the God of religion.  The one who was contained within the walls of a well-dressed and richly clad structure.  After all, is where I thought He belonged?  Why would the God of the universe live anywhere else other than a mansion built by the hands of man for His glory? My deceptive and disillusioned thoughts led me to believe, "A living God and all His greatness would not want to associate himself with a loser like me. As the years went on I found myself falling deeper into depression. 

When I turned 12, my family and I moved to a new home in south Florida.  Quickly I found myself being bullied there as well.  It all began right after I started school.  First, I stood out as wimp, I had little to no athletic ability and I was scrawny.  That made me an easy target for those ahead of me on the puberty journey of raging testosterone and bulging muscles. 

One particular incident that really stands out in my memory as a defining incident was during my music class. Let me startwith this, I was extremely shy and beyond timid.  Any time I had to be a public spectacle even in the confines of a small group I was terrified.  My heart would race and pound out of my chest, i could not catch my breath, my mind would spin and make me dizzy, and then that stupid bladder problem.  Yep you guessed it, I would pee my pants.  One particular class I had to play a song on my recorder in front of all my peers.  For me it was standing before a crowd at Carnegie Hall in my underwear at best.  Unfortuantely, I was wearing a pair of light gray pants.  The performance went something like this:  palpitations in my chest, shortness of breath, dizziness in the head and then the flood. Yes I pee'd my pants right in front of the entire class before I ever hit the second note of Mary had a little lamb. The entire class burst out laughing.  From that day forward, I was targeted. 

The intentional shoves became knock downs and punches.  The petty name calling became daggers to my heart and soul.  I was embarassed and shamed nearly every day. 

Our school had an area of portable buildings for classrooms.  They were all lined up in a square of either 3x3 or 4x4, I can't remember for sure. Either way this created an area, perfect for games like hide-and-seek, chase and tag.  I would hide and they would seek and chase.  Instead of tagging they would chunk rocks. 

Again the messages I head and believed:  "Nobody likes you", "Nobody wants you", "Nobody cares", and "You will never amount to anything."  Why I never said anything to my parents I still don't know.

Before I close this post, I want to make a couple things clear:

For one, God, the creator of this entire universe and all life that it contains, He does not dwell in temples built by the hands of man. 

Acts 17:24

 "The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands

Secondly, the true loving God, the one we can call Abba Father (Daddy), He does want to be your friend and walk with you. 

John 15:13

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.  These two very important facts I did not get at this time of my life. 

Me sharing Christ with some children
 in Santa Fe, New Mexico

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ's Love!

The Negative Impact of Bullying

Like I said in the previous post titled "Bullying and the message it sent" I was hearing and believing the messages "nobody likes you", "nobody wants you", "nobody cares", and" you will never amount to anything". Think about these messages and the impact they might have on a person's life. Especially a person who already has physical and confidence issues. Please understand, this was not a message I was receiving from my family. I had and still have a really good family.

Before I go on I would like for you to know I am a youth pastor, paramedic and a registered nurse. So I do have a little bit of education, probably just enough to make me dangerous.

God created each of us with some very basic innate needs and desires. In my studies, I believe that Maslow describes our needs best. Maslow Hierarchy consists of these needs in order:

*Physiological needs: things like air, water, food, things that sustain life.

*Safety needs: personal and physical safety.

*Love and Belonging: involving family and friends.

*Self Esteem: the need to be respected and have self-respect.

*Self Actualization: reaching your fullest potential.

If these needs are not met sufficiently enough, then it makes the subsequent needs more difficult to satisfy. For example: if you take away someone's ability to breath then they cannot feel safe, love and belonging won't matter, self esteem does not count and self actualization is impossible. That is just the short and sweet description. You must understand that the hierarchy of our needs truly is complex and intricate in nature. The basic point is that each need affects the others. Even to the point of making it impossible to achieve a need.

So imagine this if all needs are met sufficiently, then life is good. How does bullying affect this hierarchy of basic needs? Bullying attacks you emotionally and physically on a daily basis. The daily "Bully Message": "nobody likes you", "nobody wants you", "nobody cares", and" you will never amount to anything".

The negative life impact is this; you lose your drive to go on, you believe there is no meaning or purpose to life, and you lose your will to live. You become angry, hopeless, depressed and even suicidal. Maybe you will strive to find answers and maybe you will not. I have been there. I have been angry; I have felt hopeless, I have been depressed, I have been suicidal. Why? Bullying of course. Yes, I questioned the existence of a loving God because of it.

Bullying robs a person of their will to live. I can think of more teen suicides than I would like to remember over my 20+ years working as a paramedic. So many of these kids took their lives because of bullying. Bullying in the locker room, school halls, lunch room, city park, in their own homes, and even over social media. Young lives taken prematurely with pills, ropes, bullets, knives, alcohol.... The message I am certain everyone of these kids heard; Life isn't safe "nobody likes you", "nobody wants you", "nobody cares", and" you will never amount to anything". Sadly we live in a cruel world because of sin.

There is a place of safety and it is found in the LORD, His name is Jesus. If you are hurting because of bullying or any other reasons trust me when I say, there is HOPE. If you need to, message me and let me encourage and pray for you. My hearts desire is that my life will be the evidence of Christ's love and others will see and believe.

Proverbs 1:33 but whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of harm."

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ's love!