The Bullying Saga Continued and I Doubted God

So where did the hurts and brokenness from bullying lead me? They led me to a place where I doubted God and His love. At least the God I thought I knew, the God of religion.  The one who was contained within the walls of a well-dressed and richly clad structure.  After all, is where I thought He belonged?  Why would the God of the universe live anywhere else other than a mansion built by the hands of man for His glory? My deceptive and disillusioned thoughts led me to believe, "A living God and all His greatness would not want to associate himself with a loser like me. As the years went on I found myself falling deeper into depression. 

When I turned 12, my family and I moved to a new home in south Florida.  Quickly I found myself being bullied there as well.  It all began right after I started school.  First, I stood out as wimp, I had little to no athletic ability and I was scrawny.  That made me an easy target for those ahead of me on the puberty journey of raging testosterone and bulging muscles. 

One particular incident that really stands out in my memory as a defining incident was during my music class. Let me startwith this, I was extremely shy and beyond timid.  Any time I had to be a public spectacle even in the confines of a small group I was terrified.  My heart would race and pound out of my chest, i could not catch my breath, my mind would spin and make me dizzy, and then that stupid bladder problem.  Yep you guessed it, I would pee my pants.  One particular class I had to play a song on my recorder in front of all my peers.  For me it was standing before a crowd at Carnegie Hall in my underwear at best.  Unfortuantely, I was wearing a pair of light gray pants.  The performance went something like this:  palpitations in my chest, shortness of breath, dizziness in the head and then the flood. Yes I pee'd my pants right in front of the entire class before I ever hit the second note of Mary had a little lamb. The entire class burst out laughing.  From that day forward, I was targeted. 

The intentional shoves became knock downs and punches.  The petty name calling became daggers to my heart and soul.  I was embarassed and shamed nearly every day. 

Our school had an area of portable buildings for classrooms.  They were all lined up in a square of either 3x3 or 4x4, I can't remember for sure. Either way this created an area, perfect for games like hide-and-seek, chase and tag.  I would hide and they would seek and chase.  Instead of tagging they would chunk rocks. 

Again the messages I head and believed:  "Nobody likes you", "Nobody wants you", "Nobody cares", and "You will never amount to anything."  Why I never said anything to my parents I still don't know.

Before I close this post, I want to make a couple things clear:

For one, God, the creator of this entire universe and all life that it contains, He does not dwell in temples built by the hands of man. 

Acts 17:24

 "The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands

Secondly, the true loving God, the one we can call Abba Father (Daddy), He does want to be your friend and walk with you. 

John 15:13

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.  These two very important facts I did not get at this time of my life. 

Me sharing Christ with some children
 in Santa Fe, New Mexico

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ's Love!