Bullying the Gateway to Self-Destruction

The desire to escape the emotional pain and to find acceptance became my gateway to self-destruction. I knew in my heart there had to be something I could do to numb the pain and make life better. I was right, so I thought.

Alcohol became my relief and it worked, for a little while. Take a drink and the pain just seemed to fade away; at least for a little while until the alcohol wore off. Before I knew it, I was even more depressed than before I had taken that first drink. As time went on, I found myself in a vicious cycle of chasing that first high, that first relief of pain. One sip became one gulp, one gulp became one drink, one drink became two and before I knew it 3, 4, 5... Beer became hard liquor. All alcohol does is give you temporary relief through drunkenness, and it leaves you with an even deeper depression. Alcohol is a depressant. The vicious cycle creates nothing less than an addiction with a downward spiral of depression. I was good at concealing my addiction. Moreover, I was even better at getting it. That opened a new door for me. A door to friends, so I thought.

Sure, I had friends that did not bully me. Those people were few and far in between. When it came to the mainstream peers, you know the popular kids; I simply just was not accepted. That is until I found a way. I did not like the messages that were spewing through my head and I wanted to find acceptance. Guess what, I did. There are always people out there who will accept you, especially when you are willing to compromise to meet their wants/needs. These are the type of kids who will quickly take you down a path you do not want to go on. Drugs, alcohol, sex, crime, pornography… you name it, there is a group willing to accept anyone. Hindsight, they were not friends. I was only accepted when I was able to provide and willing to compromise. Hey what did I know, I was just a teenager trying to fit in.

So what did I discover? It sucked even worse than before. Not only did I have all the past issues to deal with, now I was living a life of lies, addictions and deception. A life headed towards ultimate failure. My grades went to pot, and school attendance was sketchy. If waves were up, surfing was on. I was literally a nobody, being used by everybody. It was so bad, my teachers did not even pay attention to whether I was in class or not. I could skip and no one cared or even knew. I hated who and what I had become. My parents did not even know who I was. I am sure they thought, Billy is just some shy quiet kid who struggles through school and someday he will find himself and do well. Deep inside I was living with a monster and I wanted it to die.

There are people out there who do love and care about you. Turn to them and trust them to help you. I should have, but did not at this stage in my life. I thought the path I was on was right. Besides, I was doing what the popular kids were doing. That is what teenagers do; they live life and experiment to discover who they are. Wrong, I was killing myself from the inside out. My new acquaintances could care less as long as I would compromise and provide. Life to me had no meaning and no real purpose. Especially for someone who thought: "nobody likes you", "nobody wants you", "nobody cares", and" you will never amount to anything".

I often thought, if there is a God where is He? If I only had known what I know now. There is a God; He is in this world but not of this world. I was looking in all the wrong places.

Surfers off the West Coast of Maui

  

Proverbs 16:25

There is a way that seems right to a man,
but in the end it leads to death.

May my life be the evidence and proof of Christ's love.