Clay

March 30, 2013 at 8:09am Clay surrendered his fight with cancer and went home to be with the LORD. We will mourn our loss but more so rejoice as Clays greatest need was filled years ago when he accepted Jesus Christ as his LORD and Savior. What an amazing Easter for Clay being able to finally see Jesus face to face... I can only imagine....... Thank you for all who have prayed, please continue to remember his family as they heal

Part 2 - How I Finally Found God

The following is when it all clicked, it all made sense.  It was beyond figuring out who God was; it was experiencing God and His presence.  God is not found by the terms or definitions of man. He is not found in the things made by man.  Not even in idols, trinkets, or even buildings of worship.  God is not found in the rituals of religion either.

It was in these three following verses that opened the doors to the mystery of who God was.

   

Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 

Do you really understand this verse and what it is saying?  No one is without sin not me, not my parents, and not even my pastor.  Everyone has sin.  Can you accept and agree with this in your own personal life.  The only one who lived without sin was Jesus Christ, the son of God.  For me admitting I had sin was a no brainer, of course I had sin and lots of it.

The first part of Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death...

Wow! That is very bad news.  The consequence of sin is death.  That means no heaven.  Yes I know sounds overly harsh.  Look at it this way, if you punch your friend how much trouble are you going to be in? Some maybe none.  How about a parent? That would be bad and definite trouble.  And how about the president of the USA? Oh yea very serious trouble.  Think about it, same offense but the seriousness increases with the level of social status.  God the creator of all heaven and earth, all creation, there is no other greater.  Think about the magnitude of sin against a Holy God.  There is no sin in heaven, period end of discussion.  Therefore, the consequences of sin is death, Hell.

The second part of Romans 6:23 … but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

This is even a bigger WOW!  Eternal life, does that mean no death, no consequence, and no hell?  Not so fast, here is where I figured out who God is.  It all centers on the gift, the gift of God.  So what is this gift?  Jesus Christ, He is the gift.  Jesus stepped down from heaven without sin, by being born of a virgin.  He lived a life without sin, and then He died a horrific brutal death on a cross.  Three days later, He defeated death and rose to life.  How, because Hell is for sin.  Hell could not hold onto our savior because He had no sin.  The gift is this; Jesus Christ died in your place.  He willingly suffered the consequence of your sin. He defeated death and therefore redeemed you of your sin.  The gift, is his invitation to you to accept what He did at Calvary in order to be your Lord and Savior and to redeem you from your sin so that you don’t have to.   

If you were standing before me and I had a gift in my hand for you, what would you have to do in order to receive this gift?  For one you would not invite me to give you that gift.  That would be my choice. You may be thinking, say please, say thank you, do something for it, have a birthday, celebrate Christmas, earn it…. The answer to all of those statements are no.  There is only one thing you can possibly do in order to receive that gift, you have to take it in order to receive it.  Until you physically reach out your hand and take it, you have not received it.    

The gift of God is the same way.  You cannot take Jesus with your hands, you cannot take Him by going to church, you cannot take Him by having a bible, you cannot take Him by simply knowing He existed, you cannot take Him by celebrating Christmas or even Easter.  Jesus Christ is not a material gift that you adorn your house with or even wear around your neck.  He is not a statue or any kind of idol made by the hands of man.  There is only one way you can receive the gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ.  That way is faith.

Romans 10:9-10 that if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

    

This is how you receive the gift of eternal life:  You must confess Jesus as Lord of your life, because He is the son of God, and He died on the cross taking your consequences.  He defeated death because He was without sin and therefore redeemed you of your sin so that you may have Life.  This is not a belief on a simple historical event or even a ritualistic religious practice.  This is a relationship with a living savior.  It is believing, in faith, that Jesus Christ is the son of God, and that He died for you. It is accepting His gift to you by surrendering your life to The Lord Jesus Christ by entering into a relationship with Him.

It clicked, I finally figured out who God was.  I prayed a simple prayer like this:  "God I know I am a sinner, and I know I deserve death because of my sin.  I believe with all my heart the Jesus is the son of God and that He died on the cross for my sin.  I believe that He rose from the dead, that I might be redeemed from my sin and have eternal life.  I surrender myself to you and accept Jesus Christ as Lord over my life.  In Jesus name I pray, Amen!"  

I accepted God’s gift to me and surrendered my life to Him.

It was at that moment, that my soul came alive.  All those close encounters and feel good experiences that I had felt before.  They were all just a glimpse of what God had in store for me.  The moment that I truly surrender my life to Christ, He did what He promises in His word. 

I John 4:13 We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 

When you receive the spirit of God, there is no question, and there is no doubt who God is.  He literally changes you from the inside out. This gift is for everyone. God does not desire that anyone should perish without knowing who He is. 

Do you want this gift? If so, have the faith and pray just like I did by accepting God’s gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ by surrendering your life to Him. If you make this decision and accept Christ as Lord of your life, please share this with me in either a comment or email.  Then follow up with a Christian pastor and be baptized.  More than anything, find a church that will disciple you.

New believers in Nicaragua 

giving their lives to Jesus Christ

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ's Love!

Part 1 -I Finally Found God!

If you read any of my posts, you must read this one, and the next. These are the posts that may make it all click for you in finding Hope in your hopelessness; these are the ones that will show you who God is. It is in this Hope, in truly knowing God, and who He is that has turned my world upside down. It was this hope that brought healing into my heart, brought meaning to my soul, and purpose into my life. I found peace that surpassed all understanding. My soul was brought to life.

It is this very Hope that has sustained me in spite of any and all sufferings I have and still face. It is this very Hope that has brought my life face to face with the one true living God through Jesus Christ Gods sinless, crucified and resurrected son.

Larry and I began our discipleship during the spring of 1993. I must say, it was not what I thought it would be. It had nothing to do with joining a cult or any other bizarre ritualistic behaviors. Larry simply began sharing with me what the Holy Bible was, how it was arranged, how to find scripture, spiritual truths, attributes of God, the Holy trinity, the death of Christ on the cross and His resurrection.

God got my attention, and now for the first time I was about to discover who God was. Not just discover who God was, but literally experience permanently the presence of the Lord in my life every moment of every day that day forward. There were many other things that Larry taught me, but one particular lesson made it all click. Jesus Christ truly is the way, the truth and the life. Just as He says in John 14:6.

I am just going to cut to the chase with this. Larry shared three very important and critical spiritual truths. Here is what they were: First, we are all sinners. Second, we deserve punishment for our sin. Third, God wants to give us the gift of eternal life instead of death.

All this time before I thought I would find God in a church, through an idol, and maybe even through my own spiritual focus. I allowed man to define who God was; I allowed life circumstances to prove if God was love, and simply I tried to define God by my terms. God was not in my definition, God was not in a makeshift cross that I could wear, God was not in a Saint Luke pendant, God was not in the walls of a church, God was not in a wax Buddha, He was not in Scientology, He was not in transcendental meditation, and God was not even found in religious rituals. He was not anywhere that I was expecting.

I had always expected God to do something to prove himself to me. The simple fact He already had. Two thousand years before, He already proved himself. He did it by dying on a cross in my place and rising from the dead 3 days later. He did by suffering brutal beatings, horrendous persecution, a terrifying death surrounded by people cursing Him, spitting on him, and mocking Him all while He was completely innocent. And what did He do? He willingly surrendered His life in order to forgive those who have persecuted him unto His death. Then He shreds open the curtain separating us from His Holiness and says "come follow me, welcome in." Immediately the holy people whom had died were all raised to life in and through Jesus Christ. And it gets even better, Sunday is coming! What more could I ask for?

Prior to this point what my heart was really saying was this: "God what you did on Calvary was not good enough, I expect more." In my next post I will share how God spoke to me revealing Himself and changing my life forever more.

Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

The picture is of children from Niquenohomo, Nicaragua. It reminds me of the child like faith it takes to truly discover God.

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ's love!

The Word Disciple Freaked Me Out

Larry and Susan truly were an amazing couple. We were in our early 20's and they were in their early to mid 40's. The age gap initially made us feel like they were second parents to us, but as our relationship grew, they became more like best friends. Larry was a retired police officer from Pompano Beach, Florida. I was an active paramedic with Broward County Fire Rescue. For obvious reasons, we related very well to one another. Larry had a way of encouraging me to be a better person, husband and father.

I never felt awkward around Larry that is until one night when he asked a very random question. We were all eating dinner at their house together, just talking, telling stories and laughing. Then all of the sudden, Larry cleared his throat and said "Bill, Carri, Susan and I have been praying about something. We want to disciple the two of you. What do you think of that?" I will tell you what I thought of that. "Disciple, oh wow! I'm just a little freaked out, are these people really apart of some cult and they have sucked us in and now Larry wants to marry my wife and move us to some commune where we will never see our families again? I've seen this stuff on TV before." That is what I was thinking, what I said was very different, "That sounds nice, Carri and I should pray about that." Larry and Susan both smiled and said, "That would be a good idea."

After we Left their house, Carri asked me if I even knew what "disciple" meant. I said "no, not really." Then I may have said what I was thinking earlier, but i am nit sure. Carri laughed at my lack of understanding and then proceeded to tell me what disciple meant. I would bet she knew what I was thinking. Carri then explained; all they wanted to do was spend time with us, teach us what the Bible says and show us who God is. After she explained I thought "Oh, wow! Aren't I stupid?" I was so glad I never opened my mouth and inserted my foot in front of Larry and Susan. Being a very shy and meek person was a blessing in disguise that night.

Carri and I both agreed that discipleship was a great idea. After all, her mom told me I needed to figure out who God was. Up until this point of my life, I only had just a taste, just a little brush of seeing and feeling who God was. Little did I know, the gates were about to be flung wide open. God was about to walk right in to my heart and soul. The one who had been knocking on the door of my life, I was about to meet face to face.


The picture is a homeless boy in Nicaragua that we ministered to. Yes he knows Jesus now! The picture reminds me of how I felt trying to figure out who God was on my own.


Revelations 3:20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ's love!

She Was Pregnant and Said We Will Go To Church!

Before Carri and I married, we did stray away from the church. Part of it was school and part of it was lack of motivation. Carri was in RN school and I was in paramedic school. We were busy. Honestly, we were not living the best of lives either. I still did not have a healthy respect for God’s word or His church. My language was not the best, and neither was my perspective on who Christ really was. We had become what the Bible describes as luke warm. We were neither hot nor cold; we were just doing our thing. I was pretty much clueless.

Three months after Carri and I had been married we discovered we were going to have a baby. We were very excited! Bringing a child into this world has a way of changing the way you look at things and view life. You are no longer responsible for just yourself; you are now responsible for the innocent life of an unborn child. When that child enters this world, it is your responsibility to raise and nurture them. A parent’s greatest desire is to have a healthy baby that grows into a successful adult. Have you ever heard a parent express desire to have a sick baby, and hope that they will grow and become a failure in life? Of course not.

After the initial shock and excitement was over, Carri decided we needed to take a closer look at our spiritual life. At this point in my life I did not care much about spiritual stuff. Besides I got what I wanted, I was married to the girl of my dreams. Out of respect for my wife, I listened and did not argue. Here is what she said: “This child is God’s gift to us and we will raise this child as His. We will go to church.” No problem with me in that statement, going to church got me what I wanted. I wanted Carri, I went to church, and I got Carri. So yea, going to church and raising our child in church could not be a bad thing.

Now it was time to get serious and do what was right. We wanted to give our child the best chance she could have in life. Having God on your side was a good thing. So obviously in my mind going to church was a great way to do that, especially on Christmas and Easter. I was sure that is when He paid the most attention to who was actually in church. Well guess what? Carri meant every Sunday. She got out a phone book, twirled her finger around with her eyes closed and randomly chose a church. Her finger landed on “The Church of The Cross, in Coral Springs Florida”. This Church just happened to be 2 blocks from our home.

Within a few short weeks of attending church, an older couple introduced themselves to us. Larry and Susan were their names. They were such an amazing couple. When they introduced themselves to us Larry simply stated, “We just want to be here for you guys, if you ever need anything we want to help”. Larry and Susan took us in as their kids kind of. They would pray with us, offer us advice when we asked, and they even spent time with us. Frequently we went to their home for dinner and just a friendly visits.

I remember so clearly one day, Larry said to me, “Bill you are going to make a good deacon someday.” I had no idea what he meant, but I had this vision of me wearing a religious gown with royal colors holding a candle on a stick and chanting religious chants. I thought to myself, “OK, I think not. If Larry only knew who I really was”. I ‘m pretty sure I just smiled and said thanks Larry. What I did not know at that time is that God was about to use Larry to open my eyes to who He really was.

As I close this story, I want to leave you with some advice. Get in a Church where God’s true word is preached. There you will find encouragement, inspiration, God’s presence, and God’s people. I’m not just talking about any church; I’m talking about God’s church. You will recognize it by the affirmation you feel within your heart. You will know it is the right place, because you will know in your heart, “This is where I belong.” I knew it, the first time we attended the Church of the Cross. We were welcomed and accepted immediately without hesitation, and we felt God’s word speaking to our hearts as it was being preached. That feeling I got when I first met Carri, and that feeling I got the first time I went to a Christian church, well it was back and it was even more powerful than before. Do you want to offer the best for your family, then get God involved.

Raising our children in church was the best thing we ever did for them. Not only did we become grounded in our faith, so did our children as well. All four of our kids had drug problems, we drug everyone of them to church their entire lives. Even when they did not want to be there. Ask them and they will tell you they were glad we did it.

The picture is of a night time revival in Nicaragua during one of our many mission trips.

Hebrews 10:25 Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ love!

God Used Her Yes To Lead Me Right To Him

Shortly after Carri and I had made amends, we both quickly realized that we were meant to be together. More than just friends. We had a bond that just seemed so natural, like it was meant to be. Although we had our issues and our differences, we had a connection than ran deep into our core. To me we were soul mates chosen before time by some celestial being or goddess. I say that because at this point in my life I still had not figured out who God was.

I made the investment, I bought the ring. I had all kinds of romantic plans on how and when I was going to pose the big question and present the diamond ring. Candle light dinner, romantic music, have the ring delivered on a silver platter, maybe just simply get on my knee at sunset on the beach.... I had lots of ideas. But before I knew it, excitement got the best of me.

We were driving home from Boca Raton Florida and we had just pulled on to the Sawgrass Expressway into Coral Springs. I was excited, nervous, shaking, voice quivering, sweaty.... Carri gently asked me "are you OK?" immediately and sharply I barked back "NO!" Then I pulled my Isuzu pickup off the road rather abruptly, Carri's eyes got as big as a full moon and fear was all over her face. I told her to get out of the truck, she almost freaked out. She had thought I had lost it and was going crazy. After she got out of my truck, I pulled the seat forward and retrieved the gold and diamond ring. I rushed over to her side of the vehicle, got down on one knee and said "I can't stand this anymore, I can't wait any longer....will you marry me?" After the shock wore off, tears streamed down both of our faces and she said "YES!"

That day, that yes was a defining moment for my life. I didn't realize the impact it was going to have at the time, but I knew I had been given a gift. This gift could never have been created, planned or prearranged by just any celestial being or even a make believe goddess at that. It was obvious that Carri was a part of me and I of her. We would soon become husband and wife and our lives would soon merge together as one.

I share this story because I am certain that this was all in God's plan in revealing himself to me. God put Carri in the center of it all and she never even really knew it at the time. God was using her to lead me to Him.

God did not just plan for me to marry some girl, He planned for me to marry Carri before either one of us were ever born. Because of this I have faithfully prayed for my children's spouses ever since each of them were born. My eldest child Mackenzie was recenlty married in May of 2012. There is no doubt that Morgan, her husband, is the man I had been praying for all these years. Just like me and my children, God has someone chosen already for each of us if we are to be married. Trust Him in bringing the two of you together. You don't want to settle for less, I promise.

The picture, yea that's me and my amazing godly wife! Just wait, you won't believe the testimonies and how God is using our marriage! I won't say much right now, but I will say this; God has blessed us with what many people call a curse. It's name is Huntington's disease.

Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ's love!

This Was The First Time I Felt Like God Was Talking To Me

The one thing I knew I could not handle was losing Carri to another guy. As long as there was a chance for she and I to spend our lives together, then I could keep working at trying to figure out who God was. If I lost Carri, then I was done. After all, she was my main reason to live. Without her what was the point? so I thought.

A lot of things happened over a span a several months. Carri and I had our ups and downs, and we had our fights. But for the most part we remained best friends. That is until she turned her back on me. I was just to needy and way too consuming of her time. I smothered her, and that drove her away. She began treating me badly just to push me away. It worked, I could not deal with the emotional pain any longer, so I walked away. To me she was dead.

We both had been going through a lot of difficult things. The last thing Carri needed was me being extra baggage because of my insecurities and emotional dependence weighing her down.

After a few months,of us not even speaking to each other, Carri realized how much she wanted and needed me in her life. To make a long story short, we made amends in our friendship.

Carri's mom asked me one day if I had ever thought about marrying her daughter. Without hesitation, I said "yes"! Sandy shared with me how she did not want Carri marrying another guy that she had been dating. She wanted me to marry her daughter. Sandy then gave me this advice, "if you want to win my daughters heart over for marriage, then you will start going to church with her". So I did.

The first time I went to church with Carri, we went to a small Methodist church in Coral Springs Florida. My motivation for going was to please my future bride. If going to church and playing religion was what it would take to win her heart, i was game for the challenge. But what happened was far beyond anything I was prepared for.

I thought I knew what to expect during the Sunday services, but oh how wrong I was. I anticipated the typical religious monotony and the feel good about yourself for attending church. As if I was doing God a favor and winning Carri's heart over for marriage at the same time. Boy was I surprised, I was totally wrong in what I expected. For the first time in my life I felt like God was talking to me while the preacher was preaching. I remember
asking myself "Am I hearing God's voice?" I had never experienced anything like that before. The message was reached my my soul and it felt good. What I felt was similar to how Carri made me feel. I had no idea what it was or even how it was happening, but what I did know is that I liked it. I was finally on the right path to figuring out who God was.

Revelations 3:20

 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ's love!

Trying to Figure Out Who God Was

So I thought I knew what Sandy was trying to tell me.  You know, "Figure out Who God is."  So I went back to the drawing board so to speak.  I went over in my mind the things I had tried before.  Catholic Church check, Scientology check, Transcendental meditation check, Buddhism Check, Universalism check, New age check, just simply believing there is a god and telling him what I needed check, and on and on check, check, check, check,….  I'm pretty sure I even threatened God a time or two.  "If you do not ____ then I will ____."  After every Check I was still left empty, full of questions and doubt.  The mystery still remained.  Why had nothing I had desperately tried ever work? 

I remember the questions that bounced around inside my head.   Was this God just simply a way of life? Do your best, live right, treat people good, and have fun?  Maybe god was just simply Karma?  What goes around comes around.  Maybe God is up in the sky and He just can't hear me.  Maybe God once was but now He is dead and can’t help me until I die.  I remember thinking if I try talking to loved ones that have already died, maybe they could tell God what I am asking for?  I even thought I could find God in nature and connecting to the things around me.   I had questions after questions.  Nothing fit, absolutely nothing I had tried, thought, and even desired worked.  I was always left empty inside.   

I really did want to figure out who God was.  Questions just led to more questions.  Answers, well nothing seemed to be just right. One thing I did know is that the answer should be like a revelation, a total “Wow!” moment.  I was not going to settle for just anything.  The answer to who God was, that was going to have to reach my heart and pierce my soul.  Why was religion not working?

In the mean time the relationship Carri and I had was only creating more chaos and confusion with my emotions and thoughts.  I so desperately wanted to hold on to her.  After all she was the first thing outside my family that ever reached my heart.  Well it was deeper than that Carri reached my soul.  The girl I loved dating another guy was killing me inside.  Carri was not God, but there was something there that I just could not put my finger on.  I had to have it.  There were times I felt like I was experiencing heaven and then there were times it felt like hell.  I was consumed with our relationship.  Well more like obsessed. 

No matter what, I was going to figure out who God was if that was what it was going to take to win Carri's heart.  The problem I had now; my motivation was having a relationship with Carri.   At that time, me figuring out who God was created more confusion and chaos because it all depended on a relationship.  If the relationship was good, then God was good.  If the relationship was bad, then God was bad.  If I had only knew then what I know today.   How much easier things would have been.   

This picture I took reminds me of all the
times I would go to the beach and ponder
"Who and where was God"

Jeremiah 29:13

You will seek me and find me

when you seek me with all your heart. 

 May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ’s love!

She Was Not a god, but a Reflection of God.

My friendship with Carri grew and became something even bigger but not better.  Carri became my god.  Our relationship was not your typical fairy tale, or was it?  I guess you can decide as my story unfolds over the next several days.   As you read, remember the purpose of me sharing my testimony is not about Carri, it is about how I found hope in the midst of hopelessness.  As my life story unfolds, you will see how it all came together.  You will also see how God used Carri and life circumstances to lead me to Christ.  I hope it will encourage and inspire people around the world and that many will find the hope that I have found.  This hope will turn your life upside down, in a good way. 

Our relationship was typical for most teenagers, except for one interesting fact.  Carri and I always remained best of friends.  We never became bitter enemies.  Sure we had our fights, we had our breakups, we had our hopes and we had our dreams.   We dated off and on over the years. 

The biggest problem I had is that I made Carri my god.  No, I did not worship her religiously but I did allow her to become my reason to live.  I liked what was happening in my heart and being a part of who she was.  Like I had said before, she was different.  There was something so special; it was real and not a show. Carri was not fake.  Whoever she was on the inside is what I wanted the most.  Wanting that meant, I had to have her no matter the cost.

Frankly, the thought of losing Carri to another guy was devastating and heartbreaking.  I honestly did not think I could live without her.  Then, it happened.  She began dating another guy.  My world came crashing down.

Carri's mom, Sandy, was like a second mom to me.  I so clearly remember her advice.  She asked me if I loved her daughter.  I said "yes".  She said, "I don't like the guy she is dating right now, I like you."  She went on to say that who Carri was, dating was Carri's choice, even if she did not agree.  Then she said this "if you want to win my daughters heart, you will figure out who God is."    It was this statement that made me realize, there has to be something greater. His name is God, but who was He? Sandy helped me to realize that what I loved so much about her daughter was really who God was.  Carri was not a god; she was only a reflection of who He was.  At this point, the slow journey began to figure out who God really was.  This journey was not without hurts and failures, but its rewards would come in His time. 

 

Some Hawaiian god's...

but not the Real God

Jeremiah 29:13

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

 

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ's Love!

Unconditional Love and The Bet Was On.

My "There is a God" encounter with Carri resulted in  becoming best friends.  The awkward thing about our friendship; Carri  set me up on dates with her friends.  What I did not know at that time was Carri thought to herself  I was out of her league.  How crazy a thought was that?  Gorgeous blue-eyed captain of the flag corps blonde thinks a lowly, shy, under achieving brokenhearted wimp is out of her league.  Now that is humility, on her part.

I remeber  hoping that we would date someday, but if friendship was all I could have that was good enough for me.  After all, this girl was making something happen in my heart that I had never felt before.  I really liked it.  I am not talking about lustful thoughts or even infatuation.  It was genuine acceptance, concern and unconditional love.  My family made me feel that way, but you expect that.  I took that for granted.  This was just so different; this was a friend who did not have to be that way.

The opportunity I had been waiting for finally arrived.    All I wanted was the chance to have an actual date with just Carri and none of her friends. 

Carri was sitting in her dad's ford truck in front of my house after dropping me offone day.  I was leaning in the driver's window  just talking to her.  I was trying to find the confidence to ask the big question, "Will you go on a date with me?"  Then Carri out of total randomness says, "You know this truck has 24 inch rims."  I looked down and thought, "Yep she is right."  My response to her  was, "no they are not."  Immediately she responded, "Do you want to bet?" Challenge accepted.  I responded without hesitation, "Sure, if you are right I will buy you dinner and a movie, if I am right you can buy me dinner and a movie."  With the cutest smirk on her face she said, "Ok the bet is on."  Long story short Carri won, which I already knew she would.  I just wanted a date.  Carri then leaned out her window, kissed me on the lips and then immediately sped off. 

What I had found, but did not understand was unconditonal love.  This is the same kind of love found in Christ. The unconditional love found in Christ is even better because it is not skewed by inpure thoughts, jealousy, or even lustful desires. 

I Corinthians 13:1-3 

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ's love. 

A Brief Encounter, There Is A God!

There is a God; at least that is what I thought for a moment. Little did I know that a brief encounter with a beautiful blue eyed blonde would change my life forever. Let me start by saying, no one really has a clue how much God can use just the little things in life. Just a simple intentional smile or even a genuine hello can make a life changing difference. Most people have no clue what the person next to them is going through. Chances are they have things they are dealing with that you can't even imagine. It never fails; just when you think you have it bad, you find out someone has it even worse. Think twice before you react negatively or even ignore someone who for some unknown reason gets your attention. It may be the kid sitting all alone, it may be the single mom trying to buy groceries, it may be the stranded traveler, it may be the angry co-worker, it could even be the sweet old man eating lunch all alone. I'm just saying, opportunities await us every day to make a huge difference by just saying hello. All we need to do is simply open our eyes.

Going back to my sophomore year of high school:

My friend, Joe and I are walking into the high school on a cool fall day. As we entered the outer doors by the gym and locker room, my eyes were immediately fixed. "Wow!" I thought, "she is absolutely beautiful. What I wouldn’t give to date her." There she stood leaning against the far wall. White sneakers, blue jeans, yellow Wyoming hoodie, face like an angel, eyes of blue, hair blonde like the sands on the beach, and a smile that just makes your heart melt. In addition, she is the captain of the flag corp. "Wishful thinking you moron," I thought, "why would any girl like that even give you the time of day." Ok, stupid thought, but I can at least dream. Then I turned to joe and said "Hey Joe!" " What?" " Do you see that girl over there?" With a puzzled look on his face he replied, "Which one?" "The one leaning against the wall in the yellow hoodie." Joe grinned and said, "what about her?" "I am going to marry her someday." Joe replied "I'll let her know." "No you're not." "Oh yes I am…Hey Carri" Joe shouts. Of course I ran.

A few weeks had gone since my heavenly dream. As usual, I went to meet Joe by his truck after school. He was usually my ride. As I got close enough to the truck I suddenly realize, there stood that girl. You know the one I said I would marry someday. Before I could turn and Joe shouted my name, and called me over. "Bill this is Carri, she is a good friend of mine." With my head held low and with a nervous voice I said, "um hi."

Conveniently, that day, Joe just happened to have too many people to take home. Two of us had to ride in the bed of the pickup. You guessed it, Carri and me. I had never felt so nervous in my life, my heart was pounding for fear and excitement at the same time. I remember thinking "What do I say? Note to self, do not say a word she will think you are an idiot and never speak to you again. Besides she is gorgeous, popular, and way out of your league." The engine cranked and Joe slowly drove out of the parking lot. As we came to the exit from the school, Joe looked back in his rear view mirror and then proceeded to floor the gas and turn as sharp as possible. Carri went flying across the bed of the truck and just before she is launched into the atmosphere, she grabbed a hold of my leg and latched on for dear life. Immediately I thought, "There Is a God!" Our eyes met for the very first time. With a totally embarrassed look on her face Carri said "Hi! I'm Carri. It's nice to meet you, Bill."

Carri became my best friend from that day forward. I do not say that loosely. Every day she would ask how I was and give me a real hug. Short answers were never good enough for her. If I didn’t give her a genuine answer, she would not leave my side until I did. For the first time in my life, someone who was not family really did care. She would smile every time she saw my face. I could not even attempt to pass her unnoticed in the hallways of school. If she was anywhere close by, I would always hear, "Hey, Bill, come here." Most of the time that was always followed by a hug.

What I was looking for I finally found. My heart felt good every time I was in her presence. Why, because she was real and she truly cared. She always wanted to know how I really felt and she always wanted to give me a hug. I looked forward to seeing Carri's face each day. Why I would even skip the beach just to go to school and get a least one hug.

I did not know what it was, but there was something very special and very different about that girl. Just the thought of her being my friend made my heart feel good. Whatever it was, I wanted it and I wanted more of it. I now had a reason to live. No matter what, I was not going to mess her life up. I was going to be treated Carri like a queen, even though she had a tad bit of tomboy in her. I found that cute.

One person is all it took to give me just a hint of hope and joy. A chance encounter, probably not. God knew what He was doing. I just was not able to see His light, yet.



The picture is my AMAZING wife Carri, serving on the mission field in Nicaragua.


Matthew 5:16
In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
At the time I saw the light, I just did not know what it was.

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ's love.

A Delusional Life Audit and Inventory

Before you read this post, I highly reccomend you read my previous post.  Beginning with the Intro if you have not already.  This post will make more sense if you do.

Taking a personal inventory and life audit is a great way to determine your worth, so I once thought.  Is that not what you are supposed to do when trying to determine if your life is worth living? 

So here is what I thought my life inventory and audit looked like.  Is there a common theme of being bullied?  Yes.  Has the bullying gotten worse as time went on? Yes.  Does anyone outside my family really want me around?  I didn't think so.  Is there anyone who sticks up for me? Not that I can think of.  However, I do have a couple of friends who will say “sorry that happened, so and so was being a jerk."  Do they ever stick up for me when it is happening?  Not once that I can think of.  So do I really matter to these friends?  Probably not, otherwise they would stand up for me.  Is anyone out there encouraging me?  My parents, but they have to I am their son.  Do teachers notice me?  Not really, I can skip class and never get caught.  How well am I doing in school?  Failing, yep absolutely failing and I don’t even care.  My GPA was as low as 1.57, I’d say that equals failure.  

Am I good at anything?  I think so, but coaches never see it.  I love soccer, but I can not even make the travel team.  Why, because I don’t have the popular name.  After all, some of the kids already said that I wouldn’t make it because “nobody wants you on this team”.   Track; that’s where I know I can make it, well maybe not.  I went to the tryouts and kept up with the fastest kid on the field.  I just knew I was in, guess again… Not.  

Would my parents be proud if they knew what I was really doing?  Never.  Problems with alcohol? Yes.  Have I failed anyone?  I’m sure my parents, and definitely Tina and Gary.  They are both dead and I never tried or did anything to help or stop any of it.  What if I had listened to Tina, what if I had discouraged Gary from drinking alcohol?  Is there any reason what so ever for me to continue living?  Surfing, I love to surf.  But then again, I am pretty much alone.  I do take my younger cousin on occasion.  I just hope I don’t mess his life up and send him down the wrong path.  He needs me.  Actually, he doesn’t need me.  He needs someone much better than me.  

So is there any good reason to keep living.  That is a stupid question, of course not.  Besides, nobody really cares about me. Most people don’t even notice when I am not around.  If they want to hang out with me, it is usually because they want something.  Are friends encouraging me to be a better person? Yes and no; really, we just do stupid stuff together and I am definitely not making their lives any better.   

Has God ever done anything I told him to do?  Not that I can think of.  Has anything I have tried brought peace and hope into my heart where I want it the most? Never.  Am I worse off than when I was before?  Most definitely!   I have been picked on as long as I can remember.  I’ve been told countless times, “nobody likes you, nobody wants you, you don’t matter, nobody cares, and you will never amount to anything”.   I am a failure as a friend.  I am more depressed than I have ever been.  My life is a downward spiral of failure, rejection, being used, addiction, depression, and messing up other people’s lives.  

There is not one person I can think of outside of my family that even cares if I am alive.  If God really needed me, He would have done something to stop all this stuff.  I’ve gone to Him in church, in prayer, in reading a Bible, in scientology, through Buddha, and even by meditation.   Have I found Him or even experienced Him even once?  Not that I can remember.  

Is there anything I can do to make my life better?  I don’t know anymore.  I have tried so many things and nothing seems to work.  Is there anything that can make this pain go away? Death, if I am dead then I won’t hurt anymore.  Dead is dead right?  So now, how do I do it? How do I find the courage to finally end this miserable life that I think I am in?  Courage, I don’t have even an ounce of it in my soul.  I am even a coward.

I hope you get the point of what I was trying to show you in that last few paragraphs.  In my own delusional mind; I convinced myself that life sucked, God did not care, I did not matter to anyone, and I pretty much was ruining other people’s lives.  I had no opportunity or even the talent to succeed.  If God really had a plan for me and needed me, everything would be different.  God, if He even existed made a mistake when He made me.  That pretty sums up my deranged thoughts and the lies satan wanted me to believe. 

     

If I had only known and understood what Jeremiah wrote in Jeremiah 29:11 when I was a teenager.

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

This is me and my wife Carri
in Hungary during our first
foreign mission trip in 2007

I never understood back then that God really did have plans for me.  What I didn’t know then, is what my biggest problems were.  I allowed other people to define who I was, I tried to define God and who He was by my standards, and I pursued my own plans.  My plans were doomed for failure because of these problems. 

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ's love

Fatal Ending Failures

What I am about to share happens to be two of the most powerful personal experiences in my life.  These are the reasons that motivate me to reach youth, or anyone who is hurting for that matter.

Suicide:

 Professionally, I cannot even begin to list the number of attempted and successful teen suicides I have been involved in. So many lives are tragically lost prematurely because of emotional pain. Most of which could have been prevented if bullying did not exist by peers and even family members. These lost lives may still be with us today, if they only would have confided in someone who could have been an advocate for them. Parents, pastors, teachers, councilors, coaches, aunts, uncles, friends...there is always someone willing to listen and help.

 My first girlfriends name was Tina; she was one of the most beautiful girls in the school. Every guy wanted to date a girl like her. Tina could have dated anyone on any given day. Most people really liked her and she was fun to be around. The awkward thing about Tina, she dated me. I was the wimp, the scrawny kid that most kids made fun of. To me, our relationship resembled the beauty and the Beast. Well more like Beauty and the Wimp. For whatever reason, Tina had an interest in me.

Like most high school relationships, ours did not last long. After a few weeks, she began to show up at school with unkempt hair and ugly clothes. I even remember the glasses that only my grandma would have worn. It was strange; Tina was trying to make herself ugly. She became too weird for me. I became very creeped out so I walked away from her.

A few weeks went by and Tina made several attempts to talk to me: stopping me in the hallway, leaving me notes, and waiting for me outside after school. I did everything I could to avoid her. I did not want to deal with whatever was going on. Like I said, her recent transformation creeped me out. I literally turned my back on her. The cat and mouse chase went on for a few weeks then it abruptly came to an end. Tina shot and killed herself with a bullet to her head.

As the police investigation unfolded, news broke out that Tina was allegedly forced to perform as a nude dancer by her mother at a so-called gentlemen's club. What I believe now is that Tina was making a last ditch effort to reach out to someone who should have cared. Could it have been that she wanted to be ugly? If she was ugly, then she would not have had to dance in front of men who were drunk and groping at her adolescent body as if she were a piece of meat. I may never know that answer.

Here is what I do know; I turned my back on a girl who needed me. I sent her the message, "I don't like you, I don't want you, I don't care", "You do not matter to me". What would have happened if I had responded to her call for help? Maybe Tina would be here today.

Drinking and driving:

The second life-changing event for me is the guilt I have had to live with for not taking responsibility for a friend who was drunk and needed to go home. For this and many other reasons, I speak out strongly against alcohol. I have had countless horrific experiences involving this foolishness and stupidity. What makes this even worse is the number of innocent lives that have been taken because of this ignorance induced by drunkenness. No one is invincible when it comes to drinking and driving. Alcohol is in control not you.

I will make this one short. Gary was killed in an alcohol related motor vehicle accident. While driving home from a party in order to protect his friends, Gary hit an oak tree at a high rate of speed. Upon impact, the engine of his car came into the drivers' compartment and killed him instantly. He almost made it home. The large tree he hit happened to be in his best friend's front yard.

Why would anyone ever allow a friend to drive drunk? Fun should never involve alcohol. You might as well play Russian roulette. Here is a fair warning: if you choose to drink and drive, eventually something horrible will come from it. Someone is going to get hurt and maybe even die and it may be you, someone else or even both. Drunkenness is just like putting that gun to your head, pulling the trigger and hoping you have the empty chamber. I was supposed to be Gary's friend; I never tried to stop him and I never tried to discourage him. A real friend is going to tell you when you are wrong. A real friend will try to stop you from being stupid. Honestly, I was not a friend.

Stupidity, ignorance and avoidance
can sure make a mess of things

Two thoughts from God's word I feel apply to this blog entry:

Matthew 5:13-16

 "You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. 14 "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

Silence and avoidance is the same as losing our saltiness and shutting off our lights. A follower of Jesus Christ is to be the salt and light in this world. Do you get this? We must be who He is. We must reflect His likeness; when we do, people are drawn to Him. They will praise Him. Why? In Christ is where we find hope.

Luke 17:1-3

Jesus said to his disciples: "Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. 2 It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin. 3 So watch yourselves. "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.

  

The Search for God or Something Greater than Myself

Nothing I was doing seemed to be working, I only found myself falling into a deeper depression and shame.  As if bullying alone was not a bad enough, now I had even bigger problems.  Now I was living a lie, a lie that only confirmed what I mess I really was. Were the temporary fixes from my rebellious life worth it? At the time yes, but no. Yes, because there was temporary relief. No, because it only drove me into deeper depression, and an uncontrolled downward spiral.

When in your own mind and heart, you think that your life stinks and your life does not matter, you will latch on to anything and everything to find relief.  I mean everything, even if it is a detrimental lie. You become addicted and deceived by the lies that satan himself wants you to believe. The temporary relief from my addictions, compromises and lies, were better than no relief, so I held on. At the same time in my heart, I knew there just had to something greater and somehow I was missing it. Or maybe God didn't want me. Maybe God wasn’t real.

I knew in my heart that where I was just simply was not working, so I decided it was time to start searching for answers. You know, ways to connect to something greater than myself. After all I wanted to believe that there was a God or gods. I just hadn't found the right path or connection.

I was somewhat brought up in a Catholic Church. We did not attend regularly, but we attended enough that I had good exposure. I went to confirmation and catechism. Honestly the only reason I went was the cute girls. In church I really wanted to experience God, but honestly, I did not. I knew I was doing the right things religiously, and at the same time I was doing the wrong things destructively.

I was convinced if I was at least doing something right, then I was going to experience God . He was going to make things right. Right? No, wrong. What I found was an empty shallow religious experience within my heart. I had the bible, rosary beads, and the Saint Luke necklace. Still I found nothing where I really needed it. I needed something that spoke to my soul, right where I needed it the most. I turned to Scientology...nothing. I worship and talked to my wax Buddha...nothing. I dabbled with transcendental meditation...nothing. I even tried my escape in music. Trashy filthy music that only encouraged the rebellious path I was already on. Relief only came from my addictions. So what was I to do? God was not listening to me. He never would do what I told him to do. All I was asking for was relief.

Why was God not listening to me? Sin that is why, it is as simple as that. I was a victim to the sins of other people and an even greater victim to the sins of my own choice. I did not hear or experience God because sin was in the way. The lies I believed, they were the voices I was listening to. The people I was hanging out with, they defined the path of my life. I did not hear God because I tuned Him out. I expected the creator of the universe to do things on my terms as if he was my personal magical Genie. God does not work that way. After all He is the creator. With that in mind, that makes Him in charge. He makes the rules, not I.

My life was empty, abandoned, and emotionally bankrupt by my own choice. I literally think I had become a sociopath. I had little to no emotion. I did not know if I was happy, mad, glad, sad or anything. I could however put on a good front.

Do you want to hear God? Do you want to experience His greatness? Yes, then it has to be on His terms. You will not find Him where He does not exist. You will not find Him in a dead faith or in the things made by man. God is not confined or defined by any temple created by man. I don't care what your religious affiliation is. God will only be found in the way He says He will be found, period. When you choose to believe a lie and live in sin that alone will make your search for God numb. I say numb because lies and sin deafen our ears, darken our eyes, and harden our hearts.

 2 Chronicles 7:14

 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

 

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ’s love!