A Delusional Life Audit and Inventory

Before you read this post, I highly reccomend you read my previous post.  Beginning with the Intro if you have not already.  This post will make more sense if you do.

Taking a personal inventory and life audit is a great way to determine your worth, so I once thought.  Is that not what you are supposed to do when trying to determine if your life is worth living? 

So here is what I thought my life inventory and audit looked like.  Is there a common theme of being bullied?  Yes.  Has the bullying gotten worse as time went on? Yes.  Does anyone outside my family really want me around?  I didn't think so.  Is there anyone who sticks up for me? Not that I can think of.  However, I do have a couple of friends who will say “sorry that happened, so and so was being a jerk."  Do they ever stick up for me when it is happening?  Not once that I can think of.  So do I really matter to these friends?  Probably not, otherwise they would stand up for me.  Is anyone out there encouraging me?  My parents, but they have to I am their son.  Do teachers notice me?  Not really, I can skip class and never get caught.  How well am I doing in school?  Failing, yep absolutely failing and I don’t even care.  My GPA was as low as 1.57, I’d say that equals failure.  

Am I good at anything?  I think so, but coaches never see it.  I love soccer, but I can not even make the travel team.  Why, because I don’t have the popular name.  After all, some of the kids already said that I wouldn’t make it because “nobody wants you on this team”.   Track; that’s where I know I can make it, well maybe not.  I went to the tryouts and kept up with the fastest kid on the field.  I just knew I was in, guess again… Not.  

Would my parents be proud if they knew what I was really doing?  Never.  Problems with alcohol? Yes.  Have I failed anyone?  I’m sure my parents, and definitely Tina and Gary.  They are both dead and I never tried or did anything to help or stop any of it.  What if I had listened to Tina, what if I had discouraged Gary from drinking alcohol?  Is there any reason what so ever for me to continue living?  Surfing, I love to surf.  But then again, I am pretty much alone.  I do take my younger cousin on occasion.  I just hope I don’t mess his life up and send him down the wrong path.  He needs me.  Actually, he doesn’t need me.  He needs someone much better than me.  

So is there any good reason to keep living.  That is a stupid question, of course not.  Besides, nobody really cares about me. Most people don’t even notice when I am not around.  If they want to hang out with me, it is usually because they want something.  Are friends encouraging me to be a better person? Yes and no; really, we just do stupid stuff together and I am definitely not making their lives any better.   

Has God ever done anything I told him to do?  Not that I can think of.  Has anything I have tried brought peace and hope into my heart where I want it the most? Never.  Am I worse off than when I was before?  Most definitely!   I have been picked on as long as I can remember.  I’ve been told countless times, “nobody likes you, nobody wants you, you don’t matter, nobody cares, and you will never amount to anything”.   I am a failure as a friend.  I am more depressed than I have ever been.  My life is a downward spiral of failure, rejection, being used, addiction, depression, and messing up other people’s lives.  

There is not one person I can think of outside of my family that even cares if I am alive.  If God really needed me, He would have done something to stop all this stuff.  I’ve gone to Him in church, in prayer, in reading a Bible, in scientology, through Buddha, and even by meditation.   Have I found Him or even experienced Him even once?  Not that I can remember.  

Is there anything I can do to make my life better?  I don’t know anymore.  I have tried so many things and nothing seems to work.  Is there anything that can make this pain go away? Death, if I am dead then I won’t hurt anymore.  Dead is dead right?  So now, how do I do it? How do I find the courage to finally end this miserable life that I think I am in?  Courage, I don’t have even an ounce of it in my soul.  I am even a coward.

I hope you get the point of what I was trying to show you in that last few paragraphs.  In my own delusional mind; I convinced myself that life sucked, God did not care, I did not matter to anyone, and I pretty much was ruining other people’s lives.  I had no opportunity or even the talent to succeed.  If God really had a plan for me and needed me, everything would be different.  God, if He even existed made a mistake when He made me.  That pretty sums up my deranged thoughts and the lies satan wanted me to believe. 

     

If I had only known and understood what Jeremiah wrote in Jeremiah 29:11 when I was a teenager.

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

This is me and my wife Carri
in Hungary during our first
foreign mission trip in 2007

I never understood back then that God really did have plans for me.  What I didn’t know then, is what my biggest problems were.  I allowed other people to define who I was, I tried to define God and who He was by my standards, and I pursued my own plans.  My plans were doomed for failure because of these problems. 

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ's love

The Search for God or Something Greater than Myself

Nothing I was doing seemed to be working, I only found myself falling into a deeper depression and shame.  As if bullying alone was not a bad enough, now I had even bigger problems.  Now I was living a lie, a lie that only confirmed what I mess I really was. Were the temporary fixes from my rebellious life worth it? At the time yes, but no. Yes, because there was temporary relief. No, because it only drove me into deeper depression, and an uncontrolled downward spiral.

When in your own mind and heart, you think that your life stinks and your life does not matter, you will latch on to anything and everything to find relief.  I mean everything, even if it is a detrimental lie. You become addicted and deceived by the lies that satan himself wants you to believe. The temporary relief from my addictions, compromises and lies, were better than no relief, so I held on. At the same time in my heart, I knew there just had to something greater and somehow I was missing it. Or maybe God didn't want me. Maybe God wasn’t real.

I knew in my heart that where I was just simply was not working, so I decided it was time to start searching for answers. You know, ways to connect to something greater than myself. After all I wanted to believe that there was a God or gods. I just hadn't found the right path or connection.

I was somewhat brought up in a Catholic Church. We did not attend regularly, but we attended enough that I had good exposure. I went to confirmation and catechism. Honestly the only reason I went was the cute girls. In church I really wanted to experience God, but honestly, I did not. I knew I was doing the right things religiously, and at the same time I was doing the wrong things destructively.

I was convinced if I was at least doing something right, then I was going to experience God . He was going to make things right. Right? No, wrong. What I found was an empty shallow religious experience within my heart. I had the bible, rosary beads, and the Saint Luke necklace. Still I found nothing where I really needed it. I needed something that spoke to my soul, right where I needed it the most. I turned to Scientology...nothing. I worship and talked to my wax Buddha...nothing. I dabbled with transcendental meditation...nothing. I even tried my escape in music. Trashy filthy music that only encouraged the rebellious path I was already on. Relief only came from my addictions. So what was I to do? God was not listening to me. He never would do what I told him to do. All I was asking for was relief.

Why was God not listening to me? Sin that is why, it is as simple as that. I was a victim to the sins of other people and an even greater victim to the sins of my own choice. I did not hear or experience God because sin was in the way. The lies I believed, they were the voices I was listening to. The people I was hanging out with, they defined the path of my life. I did not hear God because I tuned Him out. I expected the creator of the universe to do things on my terms as if he was my personal magical Genie. God does not work that way. After all He is the creator. With that in mind, that makes Him in charge. He makes the rules, not I.

My life was empty, abandoned, and emotionally bankrupt by my own choice. I literally think I had become a sociopath. I had little to no emotion. I did not know if I was happy, mad, glad, sad or anything. I could however put on a good front.

Do you want to hear God? Do you want to experience His greatness? Yes, then it has to be on His terms. You will not find Him where He does not exist. You will not find Him in a dead faith or in the things made by man. God is not confined or defined by any temple created by man. I don't care what your religious affiliation is. God will only be found in the way He says He will be found, period. When you choose to believe a lie and live in sin that alone will make your search for God numb. I say numb because lies and sin deafen our ears, darken our eyes, and harden our hearts.

 2 Chronicles 7:14

 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

 

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ’s love!

Bullying the Gateway to Self-Destruction

The desire to escape the emotional pain and to find acceptance became my gateway to self-destruction. I knew in my heart there had to be something I could do to numb the pain and make life better. I was right, so I thought.

Alcohol became my relief and it worked, for a little while. Take a drink and the pain just seemed to fade away; at least for a little while until the alcohol wore off. Before I knew it, I was even more depressed than before I had taken that first drink. As time went on, I found myself in a vicious cycle of chasing that first high, that first relief of pain. One sip became one gulp, one gulp became one drink, one drink became two and before I knew it 3, 4, 5... Beer became hard liquor. All alcohol does is give you temporary relief through drunkenness, and it leaves you with an even deeper depression. Alcohol is a depressant. The vicious cycle creates nothing less than an addiction with a downward spiral of depression. I was good at concealing my addiction. Moreover, I was even better at getting it. That opened a new door for me. A door to friends, so I thought.

Sure, I had friends that did not bully me. Those people were few and far in between. When it came to the mainstream peers, you know the popular kids; I simply just was not accepted. That is until I found a way. I did not like the messages that were spewing through my head and I wanted to find acceptance. Guess what, I did. There are always people out there who will accept you, especially when you are willing to compromise to meet their wants/needs. These are the type of kids who will quickly take you down a path you do not want to go on. Drugs, alcohol, sex, crime, pornography… you name it, there is a group willing to accept anyone. Hindsight, they were not friends. I was only accepted when I was able to provide and willing to compromise. Hey what did I know, I was just a teenager trying to fit in.

So what did I discover? It sucked even worse than before. Not only did I have all the past issues to deal with, now I was living a life of lies, addictions and deception. A life headed towards ultimate failure. My grades went to pot, and school attendance was sketchy. If waves were up, surfing was on. I was literally a nobody, being used by everybody. It was so bad, my teachers did not even pay attention to whether I was in class or not. I could skip and no one cared or even knew. I hated who and what I had become. My parents did not even know who I was. I am sure they thought, Billy is just some shy quiet kid who struggles through school and someday he will find himself and do well. Deep inside I was living with a monster and I wanted it to die.

There are people out there who do love and care about you. Turn to them and trust them to help you. I should have, but did not at this stage in my life. I thought the path I was on was right. Besides, I was doing what the popular kids were doing. That is what teenagers do; they live life and experiment to discover who they are. Wrong, I was killing myself from the inside out. My new acquaintances could care less as long as I would compromise and provide. Life to me had no meaning and no real purpose. Especially for someone who thought: "nobody likes you", "nobody wants you", "nobody cares", and" you will never amount to anything".

I often thought, if there is a God where is He? If I only had known what I know now. There is a God; He is in this world but not of this world. I was looking in all the wrong places.

Surfers off the West Coast of Maui

  

Proverbs 16:25

There is a way that seems right to a man,
but in the end it leads to death.

May my life be the evidence and proof of Christ's love.