Strong and Courageous

Strong and Courageous

If I can be honest, even though I may appear tough and put together on the outside, I'm not on the inside.  I have fears that make me feel weak and afraid.  Even to the point at times of losing my focus on the path of God's plan for my life.  You could say fear and weakness can be major distractions.

So what do I fear?  Well probably not what you may think.  I fear failure, being inadequate for God's calling in my life, not being used by God, I fear missing out serving the LORD.  I also fear the voices; you know the voices inside your head.  No I am not crazy or insane.  I fear the same voices most people hear.  I am taking about the voice of doubt.    Some of the things I hear are “You are not adequate enough” “You are not committed enough” “You are not talented enough” “You are not wise enough” “You are too busy” “You will never be able” “You are not disciplined enough” “You are not …” And the one that seems to get us all “Did God really say…”

Just recently I returned from a Youth mission trip to Ridgecrest North Carolina.  Prior to and during the mission trip, satan was doing all he could to hinder, distract, and even stop what God had planned.  There were all kinds of issues, distractions, and problems leading up to the mission trip.  Throughout the weeks leading up to the mission trip, I began to feel doubt and fear.  But then I was also constantly reminded that I did not have to be afraid, I could be strong and courageous. 

Every time I felt doubt or fear, I always spoke Gods truth and promises to satan.  I also reminded myself and the all the others that God was about to do something big and satan was doing his best to hinder and stop what God had planned for each of us.  Through it all we all clung to the promises of God that we can be strong and courageous because He was with us.  Have you ever stopped to think and believe that if God has called you to a particular task, then He is going to provide the means and methods to complete what He desires?

 It is not the weakness of God that leads to our failures.  It is when we surrender to our fears that we fail.  This past week, we refused to surrender to the doubts and fears and through it all God moved in ways greater than what we had experienced before.  The testimonies of this mission trip are so great and too much to tell, but I can say this; we climbed out of the valley and rose to a mountain top all by the strength of God.  We may not be fearless, but we certainly learned to fear less. 

In the LORD, you are made strong and courageous.  Your assurance comes with His presence in your life as He walks with you and leads you.  In Christ Jesus, you are never alone. 

The picture is from top of a mountain overlooking the Smokey mountains.  We went to the mountain top to view the sunrise during our mission trip.

 

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ’s Love!

Encouragment is LIke Adrenalin and Endorphins for Your Faith:

Trying to live the life of a Christian can be discouraging. I know it often feels like an uphill battle. In spite of this, we have comfort in knowing that our savior Jesus Christ has proclaimed that the battle is already won. He understands discouragement and he has called us to encourage one another daily. Sadly, most of us fail at encouraging others making our battle appear to be uphill.

I always knew the Christian life could, would and will be discouraging. Being a youth pastor can feel even more discouraging at most times. Satan likes to get in your head and attempt to convince you that you are failing the great commission and your efforts are futile. He wants you to feel all alone. The people you hope would encourage you do not say a word. If they do, it is usually some form of criticism.

I was talking to my grandpa the other day on his 93 birthday! He went on to tell me how proud he was of me. I told him "Grandpa, I miss you and wish I had time to come see you." He said, "You keep doing what you are doing and if you make a difference in one person's life it is all worth it, besides our day will come when we will have plenty of time to see each other." He went on to tell me how proud he was of me with the work I have been doing for the LORD. Just like clockwork he always finishes by saying, "Who knows, you may become the next Billy Graham." That is encouragement my friends.

I am going to be honest, I need encouragement in my walk of faith and I need it in the ministry that God has called me. Encouragement is like the adrenalin I need to keep running and fighting when I feel tired and worn. It is like the endorphin that takes away the pain of discouragement. Encouragement spurs people on like nothing else. I am sure you have heard the saying "a pill a day keeps the doctor away." A little dose of encouragement a day keeps satan at bay.

Yesterday, I was in that place of discouragement. Repeatedly I just kept saying to satan, "get behind me, shut up, you do not have in mind the things of God." He would throw back at me "If you had in mind the things of God people would notice and say so." I just kept assuring him that I did have in mind the things of God and I was not backing down. After that, throughout the day I began to get encouraged. Randomly I started getting messages on facebook, twitter and google+ about how much my life has encouraged people. People I do not even know personally.

Those little words of encouragement built a raging fire within me. I know that if a fire is not kept stoked and even little bits of kindling are not added, then it will die down. Spiritually it is the same thing. We need to be stoked and kindled and one easy way is encouragement. May I challenge you to be an encourager? Encourage your brothers and sisters in Christ at home and abroad. Do not ever forget the ones god has blessed you with as pastors and leaders. Being a shepherd is a tough calling and probably the most discouraging of all.

Encouragement can and will build unquenchable fires. Be an encourager for Christ! And let us spur one another on. In doing so we will put satan behind us so that we can keep in focus and in mind the things of God.

 

 

the picture is of my son, my grandpa, and me!

Hebrews 3:13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ's love!

Jared is Going to Die

The same year that Beware got a new name, God had also put another young man on my heart.  This story is pretty cool.   This kid did not get a new name, but he did a new life.  By the way, this story is a little longer than most, but I promise it is well worth your time to read it.  God did something incredibly amazing!  You will be glad you read it, I promise.

At MFUGE, there are several track groups divided into various ministry focuses.  There are tracks for children's ministry, games and recreation, social, PCY (painting, construction, yard work), and creative.  I was in a group involving children's ministry.  We would go to various sites like youth centers, children's homes, and even community parks.  We spent three days at the youth center where Beware/Brandon was a member.  We spent another two days in East Saint Louis at a community park. 

Our mission at the community park was to promote an outreach for a local church.  We went around the community inviting neighbors to come to the park and enjoy a family fair that we were hosting.  There were games, face painting, skits, crafts, prayer groups, music, tournaments, all kinds of fun and entertainment.  All of this was with the intention to gather community residents together in order to promote their local church. 

I and two other teenagers went out door-to-door inviting people to join us at the park.  We were given a very specific area that would could go and solicit.  Anything outside that area was gang infested; we were not permitted by any circumstance to go into those areas.  Bright colored shirts were not allowed because of the relation to gang colors.  There were a couple problems.  First, I never got the message about NOT wearing bright colors.  I had on a bright red t-shirt.  Second, there was nobody home in the area we were in. 

The teenagers I was with felt very discouraged since we had not been able to invite one person.  So we prayed, we prayed for God to guide us to the houses and to lead us to open doors.  Guess what, God did.

While walking down a particular street we noticed a group of teenagers shooting bottle rockets at apartment across the street breaking windows.  At first, we wanted to turn around because we realized we had entered into "gang territory."  But God said go, I was not the only one who felt that way.  Both of the teenagers I was with felt very strongly the same thing.   Honestly, none of us felt threatened in the least bit.

When we approached the group, it was interesting, we were not threatened but there were some crude remarks made.  I noticed one of the boys appeared to be handicap.  I invited him and the rest of the group to the park to come hang out. My challenge to them was to simply come and just check out what we were doing and what it was all about.  If they did not like it, they could leave.  No promise on their behalf was made.  I expected that would be the last we saw of any of them.

We went home that day disappointed, the gang of boys never showed up.  A few kids did, but not enough to outnumber the MFUGE group of about 25 youth.  We may have had 10-12  neighborhood kids come that day.  That night I prayed, I asked God to bless the efforts of the teenagers and the passionate desire of their hearts to reach kids who live in a very difficult environment.  I asked God to allow them the opportunity to share the hope they had with the kids that felt like there was no hope.

Day two in East Saint Louis rocked our world.  A couple other mission groups joined us in the park.   Kids literally were coming from everywhere, countless numbers of kids and their parents.  It was amazing.  But still there was no sign of the "gang."

Around lunchtime I noticed the handicap boy coming with his parent's and a few other kids.  Some of the teenagers were from that gang we had talked to the day before. When I saw them coming, I knew something divine was about to happen I could just feel it. 

The handicap boy's name was jarred.  I met Jared’s dad as soon as they arrived at the park.  He and I began to talk about church and God.  He told me this, "Jared has been praying for a sign, a sign from God that he will be ok.  He has prayed for months that God would bring someone into his life that could help him."  He went on to say, "Jarred made all of us come today because he felt like God said we all needed to be here, so we came."  I said, "I am so glad you are all here, we just want to encourage you, pray for you, and show you who God is."

Jared's dad then shared something very heart breaking.  He told me that Jarred use to be a very healthy very athletic kid.  He talked about how Jarred had been the spiritual leader in their home and he always kept his family in church.  That is until he got sick.  Jarred had some kind of unidentifiable disease that was ravaging his body.  His arm was drawn up into his chest, he walked with a stiff leg, and his speech was so slurred you could hardly understand what he was saying.  The doctors had no idea what was happening.  What they did know is that Jarred was going to die.  His airway was swelling gradually to the point that it was going to suffocate him to death.  They had seen every specialist in Saint Louis and repeatedly Jared was given no hope to live.

I asked Jared’s dad if we could pray for Jared.  His dad smiled and said, "Please do, please pray for Jarred.  Prayer is so important to him.  His faith is so strong, but his health has pulled him away from church and our family is falling apart.  Please pray."

I gathered up a few of the kids that I felt were strong in their faith.  As a group we gathered around Jared and with his permission prayed.  It was the most spiritually intense prayer experience I had ever felt up until that time.  Tears were flowing out of every eye.  We left that day feeling so broken and yet so touched.   We all felt blessed to have been allowed to be a part of Jared's life that day.  It was so hard for us to go.  None of us wanted to leave Jarred behind.  

Two years later, we returned to Saint Louis for MFUGE.  I never forgot about Jared or Brandon.  I was hoping I might be able to return and find out what happened.  Unfortunately I did not get to go back to Brandon's youth center nor did I get to go back to Jared's neighborhood.

It was during our night church group meeting that I got the answer to what I was hoping for.  I was encouraging our kids to just listen to their hearts and do whatever God was leading them to do.  I then shared Jared’s story.  I shared how God led us to his house, and how we were able to gather around him and pray.  I told them that we will not always know what God will do after we are gone, but we just needed to trust him.  I then told them how powerful our prayer experience was.  This is awesome; one of our girls raised her hand and said, "I know what happened to Jared."  My mouth hit the floor and tears came out of my eyes.  Then she shared this; "We met Jared at a community park today.  Jarred was sharing how an MFUGE group a couple years before had gathered around him and prayed.  He explained how he was going to die.  Then he went on to say that a couple weeks after they prayed, God healed him.  There is nothing wrong with Jared; he is very normal and very athletic."  "Jared is very much alive!"

Sadly, I don’t have a picture of Jared.  Prayer was more important than pictures that day.  The picture I am sharing is the mission track group I was with that year.

 

John 9:3 "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ’s love!

A Delusional Life Audit and Inventory

Before you read this post, I highly reccomend you read my previous post.  Beginning with the Intro if you have not already.  This post will make more sense if you do.

Taking a personal inventory and life audit is a great way to determine your worth, so I once thought.  Is that not what you are supposed to do when trying to determine if your life is worth living? 

So here is what I thought my life inventory and audit looked like.  Is there a common theme of being bullied?  Yes.  Has the bullying gotten worse as time went on? Yes.  Does anyone outside my family really want me around?  I didn't think so.  Is there anyone who sticks up for me? Not that I can think of.  However, I do have a couple of friends who will say “sorry that happened, so and so was being a jerk."  Do they ever stick up for me when it is happening?  Not once that I can think of.  So do I really matter to these friends?  Probably not, otherwise they would stand up for me.  Is anyone out there encouraging me?  My parents, but they have to I am their son.  Do teachers notice me?  Not really, I can skip class and never get caught.  How well am I doing in school?  Failing, yep absolutely failing and I don’t even care.  My GPA was as low as 1.57, I’d say that equals failure.  

Am I good at anything?  I think so, but coaches never see it.  I love soccer, but I can not even make the travel team.  Why, because I don’t have the popular name.  After all, some of the kids already said that I wouldn’t make it because “nobody wants you on this team”.   Track; that’s where I know I can make it, well maybe not.  I went to the tryouts and kept up with the fastest kid on the field.  I just knew I was in, guess again… Not.  

Would my parents be proud if they knew what I was really doing?  Never.  Problems with alcohol? Yes.  Have I failed anyone?  I’m sure my parents, and definitely Tina and Gary.  They are both dead and I never tried or did anything to help or stop any of it.  What if I had listened to Tina, what if I had discouraged Gary from drinking alcohol?  Is there any reason what so ever for me to continue living?  Surfing, I love to surf.  But then again, I am pretty much alone.  I do take my younger cousin on occasion.  I just hope I don’t mess his life up and send him down the wrong path.  He needs me.  Actually, he doesn’t need me.  He needs someone much better than me.  

So is there any good reason to keep living.  That is a stupid question, of course not.  Besides, nobody really cares about me. Most people don’t even notice when I am not around.  If they want to hang out with me, it is usually because they want something.  Are friends encouraging me to be a better person? Yes and no; really, we just do stupid stuff together and I am definitely not making their lives any better.   

Has God ever done anything I told him to do?  Not that I can think of.  Has anything I have tried brought peace and hope into my heart where I want it the most? Never.  Am I worse off than when I was before?  Most definitely!   I have been picked on as long as I can remember.  I’ve been told countless times, “nobody likes you, nobody wants you, you don’t matter, nobody cares, and you will never amount to anything”.   I am a failure as a friend.  I am more depressed than I have ever been.  My life is a downward spiral of failure, rejection, being used, addiction, depression, and messing up other people’s lives.  

There is not one person I can think of outside of my family that even cares if I am alive.  If God really needed me, He would have done something to stop all this stuff.  I’ve gone to Him in church, in prayer, in reading a Bible, in scientology, through Buddha, and even by meditation.   Have I found Him or even experienced Him even once?  Not that I can remember.  

Is there anything I can do to make my life better?  I don’t know anymore.  I have tried so many things and nothing seems to work.  Is there anything that can make this pain go away? Death, if I am dead then I won’t hurt anymore.  Dead is dead right?  So now, how do I do it? How do I find the courage to finally end this miserable life that I think I am in?  Courage, I don’t have even an ounce of it in my soul.  I am even a coward.

I hope you get the point of what I was trying to show you in that last few paragraphs.  In my own delusional mind; I convinced myself that life sucked, God did not care, I did not matter to anyone, and I pretty much was ruining other people’s lives.  I had no opportunity or even the talent to succeed.  If God really had a plan for me and needed me, everything would be different.  God, if He even existed made a mistake when He made me.  That pretty sums up my deranged thoughts and the lies satan wanted me to believe. 

     

If I had only known and understood what Jeremiah wrote in Jeremiah 29:11 when I was a teenager.

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

This is me and my wife Carri
in Hungary during our first
foreign mission trip in 2007

I never understood back then that God really did have plans for me.  What I didn’t know then, is what my biggest problems were.  I allowed other people to define who I was, I tried to define God and who He was by my standards, and I pursued my own plans.  My plans were doomed for failure because of these problems. 

May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ's love

Bullying the Gateway to Self-Destruction

The desire to escape the emotional pain and to find acceptance became my gateway to self-destruction. I knew in my heart there had to be something I could do to numb the pain and make life better. I was right, so I thought.

Alcohol became my relief and it worked, for a little while. Take a drink and the pain just seemed to fade away; at least for a little while until the alcohol wore off. Before I knew it, I was even more depressed than before I had taken that first drink. As time went on, I found myself in a vicious cycle of chasing that first high, that first relief of pain. One sip became one gulp, one gulp became one drink, one drink became two and before I knew it 3, 4, 5... Beer became hard liquor. All alcohol does is give you temporary relief through drunkenness, and it leaves you with an even deeper depression. Alcohol is a depressant. The vicious cycle creates nothing less than an addiction with a downward spiral of depression. I was good at concealing my addiction. Moreover, I was even better at getting it. That opened a new door for me. A door to friends, so I thought.

Sure, I had friends that did not bully me. Those people were few and far in between. When it came to the mainstream peers, you know the popular kids; I simply just was not accepted. That is until I found a way. I did not like the messages that were spewing through my head and I wanted to find acceptance. Guess what, I did. There are always people out there who will accept you, especially when you are willing to compromise to meet their wants/needs. These are the type of kids who will quickly take you down a path you do not want to go on. Drugs, alcohol, sex, crime, pornography… you name it, there is a group willing to accept anyone. Hindsight, they were not friends. I was only accepted when I was able to provide and willing to compromise. Hey what did I know, I was just a teenager trying to fit in.

So what did I discover? It sucked even worse than before. Not only did I have all the past issues to deal with, now I was living a life of lies, addictions and deception. A life headed towards ultimate failure. My grades went to pot, and school attendance was sketchy. If waves were up, surfing was on. I was literally a nobody, being used by everybody. It was so bad, my teachers did not even pay attention to whether I was in class or not. I could skip and no one cared or even knew. I hated who and what I had become. My parents did not even know who I was. I am sure they thought, Billy is just some shy quiet kid who struggles through school and someday he will find himself and do well. Deep inside I was living with a monster and I wanted it to die.

There are people out there who do love and care about you. Turn to them and trust them to help you. I should have, but did not at this stage in my life. I thought the path I was on was right. Besides, I was doing what the popular kids were doing. That is what teenagers do; they live life and experiment to discover who they are. Wrong, I was killing myself from the inside out. My new acquaintances could care less as long as I would compromise and provide. Life to me had no meaning and no real purpose. Especially for someone who thought: "nobody likes you", "nobody wants you", "nobody cares", and" you will never amount to anything".

I often thought, if there is a God where is He? If I only had known what I know now. There is a God; He is in this world but not of this world. I was looking in all the wrong places.

Surfers off the West Coast of Maui

  

Proverbs 16:25

There is a way that seems right to a man,
but in the end it leads to death.

May my life be the evidence and proof of Christ's love.

Are you looking for some inspiration?

Over the next several days, I will be re-sharing my life story.  God has placed a very heavy burden on my heart to share with as many people as possible how my life was radically changed by Him.  This venture began back in October of 2012 and since that time, God has literally reached thousands of people around the world.  I have shared my story on Blogspot, Google+, Facebook, twitter, and even instagram.  The response has completely overwhelmed me, but I am not surprised either.  When God is in it, little is much.  All He is looking for is just simple obedience. 

As I unflold my story you will see how I was in a place of hopelessness like most people.  My story may not be the most intense and vile, but it is a journey that led to me to Christ and the hope only He can provide.  My testimony centers around a birth defect, bed wetting, bullying, rejection, depression, addictions, suicidal desires, death, a genetic disease called Huntington's Chorea, and so much more.

I would like to encourage you to read my story as it unfolds to the world once again.  Consider sharing it with anyone and everyone that you feel may benefit and be inspired by it.  message me as well if you desire.  I love making new friends and reaching out to those who are lost in life and hurting.

With this short intro, I want to leave you with this;  No matter what you are facing, not matter how hopeless you may feel, there is a HOPE a real true everalsting HOPE and His name is Jesus.  If you follow my life story, I am certain you will be inspired and you too will discover the very same hope that I have.  Jesus Christ has rocked my world and completely it around.  I have a peace that passes beyond all understanding inspite of the so called "HOPELESS" things that continue in my life.

This is my wife Carri and I

after 21 years of marriage!

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

 

May my life be the proof and evidence of His love!