A Battle Called What Do I Do - keep praying for Clay

The last couple of days have been different for me. As I said yesterday, I have been in Houston at MD Anderson with a boy from our youth at church. I felt God was telling me to go be with him and His mom. So out of obedience, I flew down here to be with them.

So what has been different? I don't really know how to explain it, other than just typing out what I am thinking. Here I go:

For one, Clay is very sick from the leukemia. I have had my own very sick child before, but that is not the same. When it is your own child, you may not know what to do, but you know what to do because it is your kid. What I mean is, even when you don't know the answers you still know their needs. You know how to comfort them, you know what to say, and you know how to hold them. Even just your presence can bring your child comfort. When it is not your child, but someone you care a lot about, it is even harder. You really do not know what to do. You go to help, but literally there is not much help you can offer.

The next thing is my observations at the Ronald McDonald House and the cancer floor. Everywhere you look, you see families going through one of the most difficult struggles a parent fears. "Your child has cancer." You look in one corner and you see despair on faces, turn around and you see smiles. One family walks in or out strutting their swag because they got some good news, while another rushes in or out the door in a hurry because of a fever or another set back. One child is sad another is glad. Then there is that teenage girl looking as beautiful as ever with not one hair on her head, sitting next to her is another looking pale and drab. For some its good news, for others it is bad.

The dynamics of what you see and the emotions you feel is overwhelming. First you want to smile and next you want to cry. Then you go numb not knowing what to do. You want to do something, but what do you do? So I find myself asking what can I do. I catch myself looking for something, anything, I just have to go and do. So now my mouth is trapped by silence, while in my head the voices are shouting "What are you going to do!" My body paralyzed trying to find a way to move.

On the outside, you wouldn't know what was going on in the inside. I walk around smiling, greeting people, and looking smooth. On the inside I'm fighting this battle called "What do I do." Lord if you will just show me, tell me, lead me, anything you want me to do. His response, "Let's go to Pappadeaux." "Are you serious Jesus? I just got to my hotel room and you want to go to Pappadeaux. You know I hate going out alone." "I know you do, but lets go."

So off to Pappadeaux I go, all alone. I sit at the the table, feeling like a freak, then a still small voice says "talk to me, write it down, tell Me what you are thinking and feeling." So I turned on my IPad and began clicking away. So what you have read so far is what I had to say.

Now that I am done, I realize I have not been alone. My Lord, my Savior, my Jesus has been right by my side every step, thought, feeling, and breath each and every day. I have prayed " Lord give me your eyes, give me your ears, give me your heart, give me your hands, give me your feet. I just want to be like you." This is what He is saying "you have been seeing with my eyes, hearing with my ears, feeling with my heart. There are times when you have been my hands and feet. You are not me, there will be times when My grace is sufficient enough for you. There will be times when you just can't do what only I can do. Trust me, there are times when My grace is all there is to do."

This is the view outside Clay's hospital room
The city of Houston, Texas

Tomorrow, I will share what His grace looks like and means.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

May my life be the proof and evidence of His love!