So I thought I knew what Sandy was trying to tell me. You know, "Figure out Who God is." Now it was time to go back to the drawing board. So I went over in my mind the things I had tried before. Catholic church, Scientology, meditation, Buddha, universalism, just simply believing there is a god and telling him what I needed....and on and on. I'm pretty sure I even threatened God a time or two. "If you do not ____ then I will ____." The mystery still remained. Why had nothing I had desperately tried never work?
I remember the questions that bounced around inside my head. Was this God just simply a way of life? Do your best, live right, treat people good, and have fun? Maybe god was just simply Karma? What goes around comes around. Maybe God is up in the sky and He just can't hear me. Maybe if I try talking to loved ones that have already died, maybe they can tell God what I am asking for? Maybe I could find God in nature and connecting to the things around me? I had questions after questions. Nothing fit.
I really did want to figure out who God was. Questions just led to more questions. Answers, well nothing seemed to be just right. The answer should not lead to more questions. The answer should be like a revelation, a total wow! moment. I was not going to settle for just anything. The answer to who God was, that was going to have to reach my heart and pierce my soul. Why was religion not working?
In the mean time, the relationship Carri and I had was creating more chaos and confusion with my emotions. I so desperately wanted to hold on to her. After all she was the first thing that ever reached my heart. Well it was deeper than that, It reached my soul. Carri dating another guy was killing me inside. Carri was not God, but there was something there that I just could not put my finger on. I had to have it. There were times I felt like I was experiencing heaven and then there were times it felt like hell. I was consumed with our relationship.
No matter what, I was going to figure out who God was if that was what it was going to take to win Carri's heart. The problem I had now; my motivation was having a relationship with Carri. At that time, me figuring out God, was confusing and chaotic because it all depended on a relationship. Relationship good, God is good. Relationship bad, God was bad. If I had only knew then what I know today. How much easier things would have been.
Typical church found in Nicaragua.
May my life be the proof and evidence of His love.
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