Knowing in my heart that where I was, just simply was not working. I decided it was time to start searching for answers. You know, ways to connect to something greater than myself. After all there had to be a God or god's. I just hadn't found the right path or connection.
I was somewhat brought up in a Catholic Church. We did not attend regularly, but we attended enough that I had good exposure. I went to confirmation and catechism. Honestly, catechism was all about the cute girls. I really wanted to experience God in the church and during the services. I must be honest, I didn't experience God. I knew I was doing the right things religiously, and I was doing the wrong things destructively as well. If I was at least doing something right, then I was going to experience God . He was going to make things right. Right? no, wrong. What I found was, an empty shallow religious experience within my heart. I had the bible, rosary beads, and the Saint Luke necklace. Still nothing where I really needed it. I needed something that spoke to my soul, right where I needed it the most. I turned to Scientology...nothing. I worship and talked to my wax Buddha...nothing. Even dabbled with transcendental meditation...nothing. I even tried my escape in music. Trashy filthy music that only encouraged the rebelious path I was already on. Relief only came from my addictions. So what was I to do? God was not listening to me. He never would do what I told him to do. All I was asking for was relief.
So what was the problem, why was God not listening to me? Sin thats why, it is as simple as that. I was a victim to the sins of other people. Now I was an even greater victim to the sins of my own choice. I did not hear or experience God because sin was in the way. The lies I believed, they were the voices I was listening to. The people I was hanging out with, they defined the path of my life. I did not hear God because I tuned Him out. I expected the creator of the universe to do things on my terms as if he was my personal magical Genie. God does not work that way. After all He is the creator. With that in mind, that makes Him in charge. He makes the rules, not I.
Empty, abandoned, and emotionaly bankrupt. By my own choice. I literally think I had become a sociopath. I had little to no emotion. I did not know if I was happy, mad, glad, sad ..... I could however put on a good front.
Do you want to hear God? Do you want to experience His greatness? Yes, then it has to be on His terms. You will not find Him where He does not exist. You will not find Him in a dead faith or in the things made by man. God is not confined or defined by any temple created by man. I don't care what your religious afilliation is. God will only be found in the way He says He will be found, period. When you choose to believe a lie and live in sin, that alone will make your search for God numb. I say numb because, lies and sin deafen our ears, darken our eyes, and harden our hearts.
2 Chronicles 7:14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.
May my life be the proof and evidence of His love.
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