The desire to escape the emotional
pain and to find acceptance became my gateway to self-destruction. I knew in my heart there had to be something I
could do to numb the pain and make life better.
I was right, so I thought.
Alcohol became my relief and it worked, for a little while. Take a drink and the pain just seemed to fade
away; at least for a little while until the alcohol
wore off. Before I knew it, I was even more depressed
than before I had taken that first drink.
As time went on, I found myself in a vicious cycle of chasing that first
high, that first relief of pain. One sip
became one gulp, one gulp became one drink, one drink became two and before I
knew it 3, 4, 5... Beer became hard
liquor. All alcohol does is give you
temporary relief through drunkenness, and it leaves you with an even deeper
depression. Alcohol is a
depressant. The vicious cycle creates
nothing less than an addiction with a downward spiral of depression. I was good at concealing my addiction. Moreover, I was even better at getting
it. That opened a new door for me. A door to friends, so I thought.
Sure,
I had friends that did not bully me. Those
people were few and far in between. When
it came to the mainstream peers, you know the popular kids; I simply just was
not accepted. That is until I found a
way. I did not like the messages that
were spewing through my head and I wanted to find acceptance. Guess what, I did. There are always people out there who will accept
you, especially when you are willing to compromise to meet their wants/needs. These are the type of kids who will quickly
take you down a path you do not want to go on.
Drugs, alcohol, sex, crime, pornography… you name it, there is a group
willing to accept anyone. Hindsight,
they were not friends. I was only
accepted when I was able to provide and willing to compromise. Hey what did I know, I was just a teenager
trying to fit in.
So
what did I discover? It sucked even worse than before. Not only did I have all the past issues to deal
with, now I was living a life of lies, addictions and deception. A life headed towards ultimate failure. My grades went to pot, and school attendance was
sketchy. If waves were up, surfing was
on. I was literally a nobody, being used
by everybody. It was so bad, my teachers
did not even pay attention to whether I was in class or not. I could skip and no one cared or even knew. I hated who and what I had become. My parents did not even know who I was. I am sure they thought, Billy is just some
shy quiet kid who struggles through school and someday he will find himself and
do well. Deep inside I was living with a
monster and I wanted it to die.
There
are people out there who do love and care about you. Turn to them and trust them to help you. I should have, but did not at this stage in
my life. I thought the path I was on was
right. Besides, I was doing what the
popular kids were doing. That is what
teenagers do; they live life and experiment to discover who they are. Wrong, I was killing myself from the inside
out. My new acquaintances could care
less as long as I would compromise and provide.
Life to me had no meaning and no real purpose. Especially for someone who thought: "nobody likes you", "nobody
wants you", "nobody cares", and" you will never amount to
anything".
I often thought, if there is a God where is
He? If I only had known what I know
now. There is a God; He is in this world
but not of this world. I was looking in
all the wrong places.
May my life be the evidence and proof of His love.
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