Trying to Figure Out Who God Was

So I thought I knew what Sandy was trying to tell me.  You know, "Figure out Who God is."  So I went back to the drawing board so to speak.  I went over in my mind the things I had tried before.  Catholic Church check, Scientology check, Transcendental meditation check, Buddhism Check, Universalism check, New age check, just simply believing there is a god and telling him what I needed check, and on and on check, check, check, check,….  I'm pretty sure I even threatened God a time or two.  "If you do not ____ then I will ____."  After every Check I was still left empty, full of questions and doubt.  The mystery still remained.  Why had nothing I had desperately tried ever work? 

I remember the questions that bounced around inside my head.   Was this God just simply a way of life? Do your best, live right, treat people good, and have fun?  Maybe god was just simply Karma?  What goes around comes around.  Maybe God is up in the sky and He just can't hear me.  Maybe God once was but now He is dead and can’t help me until I die.  I remember thinking if I try talking to loved ones that have already died, maybe they could tell God what I am asking for?  I even thought I could find God in nature and connecting to the things around me.   I had questions after questions.  Nothing fit, absolutely nothing I had tried, thought, and even desired worked.  I was always left empty inside.   

I really did want to figure out who God was.  Questions just led to more questions.  Answers, well nothing seemed to be just right. One thing I did know is that the answer should be like a revelation, a total “Wow!” moment.  I was not going to settle for just anything.  The answer to who God was, that was going to have to reach my heart and pierce my soul.  Why was religion not working?

In the mean time the relationship Carri and I had was only creating more chaos and confusion with my emotions and thoughts.  I so desperately wanted to hold on to her.  After all she was the first thing outside my family that ever reached my heart.  Well it was deeper than that Carri reached my soul.  The girl I loved dating another guy was killing me inside.  Carri was not God, but there was something there that I just could not put my finger on.  I had to have it.  There were times I felt like I was experiencing heaven and then there were times it felt like hell.  I was consumed with our relationship.  Well more like obsessed. 

No matter what, I was going to figure out who God was if that was what it was going to take to win Carri's heart.  The problem I had now; my motivation was having a relationship with Carri.   At that time, me figuring out who God was created more confusion and chaos because it all depended on a relationship.  If the relationship was good, then God was good.  If the relationship was bad, then God was bad.  If I had only knew then what I know today.   How much easier things would have been.   

This picture I took reminds me of all the
times I would go to the beach and ponder
"Who and where was God"

Jeremiah 29:13

You will seek me and find me

when you seek me with all your heart. 

 May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ’s love!