When in your own mind and heart, you think that your life stinks and your life does not matter, you will latch on to anything and everything to find relief. I mean everything, even if it is a detrimental lie. You become addicted and deceived by the lies that satan himself wants you to believe. The temporary relief from my addictions, compromises and lies, were better than no relief, so I held on. At the same time in my heart, I knew there just had to something greater and somehow I was missing it. Or maybe God didn't want me. Maybe God wasn’t real.
I knew in my heart that where I was just simply was not working, so I decided it was time to start searching for answers. You know, ways to connect to something greater than myself. After all I wanted to believe that there was a God or gods. I just hadn't found the right path or connection.
I was somewhat brought up in a Catholic Church. We did not attend regularly, but we attended enough that I had good exposure. I went to confirmation and catechism. Honestly the only reason I went was the cute girls. In church I really wanted to experience God, but honestly, I did not. I knew I was doing the right things religiously, and at the same time I was doing the wrong things destructively.
I was convinced if I was at least doing something right, then I was going to experience God . He was going to make things right. Right? No, wrong. What I found was an empty shallow religious experience within my heart. I had the bible, rosary beads, and the Saint Luke necklace. Still I found nothing where I really needed it. I needed something that spoke to my soul, right where I needed it the most. I turned to Scientology...nothing. I worship and talked to my wax Buddha...nothing. I dabbled with transcendental meditation...nothing. I even tried my escape in music. Trashy filthy music that only encouraged the rebellious path I was already on. Relief only came from my addictions. So what was I to do? God was not listening to me. He never would do what I told him to do. All I was asking for was relief.
Why was God not listening to me? Sin that is why, it is as simple as that. I was a victim to the sins of other people and an even greater victim to the sins of my own choice. I did not hear or experience God because sin was in the way. The lies I believed, they were the voices I was listening to. The people I was hanging out with, they defined the path of my life. I did not hear God because I tuned Him out. I expected the creator of the universe to do things on my terms as if he was my personal magical Genie. God does not work that way. After all He is the creator. With that in mind, that makes Him in charge. He makes the rules, not I.
My life was empty, abandoned, and emotionally bankrupt by my own choice. I literally think I had become a sociopath. I had little to no emotion. I did not know if I was happy, mad, glad, sad or anything. I could however put on a good front.
Do you want to hear God? Do you want to experience His greatness? Yes, then it has to be on His terms. You will not find Him where He does not exist. You will not find Him in a dead faith or in the things made by man. God is not confined or defined by any temple created by man. I don't care what your religious affiliation is. God will only be found in the way He says He will be found, period. When you choose to believe a lie and live in sin that alone will make your search for God numb. I say numb because lies and sin deafen our ears, darken our eyes, and harden our hearts.
if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.
May my life be the proof and evidence of Christ’s love!
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