Before
you read this post, I highly reccomend you read my previous
post. Beginning with the Intro if you have not already. This
post will make more sense if you do.
Taking a personal inventory and life
audit is a great way to determine your worth, so I once thought. Is that not what you are supposed to
do when trying to determine if your life is worth living?
So here is what I thought my life inventory
and audit looked like. Is
there a common theme of being bullied? Yes. Has the bullying gotten worse as time
went on? Yes. Does anyone outside
my family really want me around? I
didn't think so. Is there
anyone who sticks up for me? Not that I can think of. However, I do have a couple of friends
who will say “sorry that happened, so and so was being a jerk." Do they ever stick up for me when it is
happening? Not once that I
can think of. So do I
really matter to these friends? Probably
not, otherwise they would stand up for me. Is anyone out there encouraging me? My parents, but they have to I am
their son. Do teachers
notice me? Not really, I
can skip class and never get caught. How
well am I doing in school? Failing,
yep absolutely failing and I don’t even care. My GPA was as low as 1.57, I’d say
that equals failure.
Am I good at anything? I think so, but coaches never see it. I love soccer, but I can not even make
the travel team. Why,
because I don’t have the popular name. After
all, some of the kids already said that I wouldn’t make it because “nobody
wants you on this team”. Track;
that’s where I know I can make it, well maybe not. I went to the tryouts and kept up with
the fastest kid on the field. I
just knew I was in, guess again… Not.
Would my parents be proud if they knew what I
was really doing? Never. Problems with alcohol? Yes. Have I failed anyone? I’m sure my parents, and definitely
Tina and Gary. They are
both dead and I never tried or did anything to help or stop any of it. What if I had listened to Tina, what
if I had discouraged Gary from drinking alcohol? Is there any reason what so ever for
me to continue living? Surfing,
I love to surf. But then
again, I am pretty much alone. I
do take my younger cousin on occasion. I
just hope I don’t mess his life up and send him down the wrong path. He needs me. Actually, he doesn’t need me. He needs someone much better than me.
So is there any good reason to keep living. That is a stupid question, of course
not. Besides, nobody really
cares about me. Most people don’t even notice when I am not around. If they want to hang out with me, it
is usually because they want something. Are
friends encouraging me to be a better person? Yes and no; really, we just do
stupid stuff together and I am definitely not making their lives any better.
Has God ever done anything I told him to do? Not that I can think of. Has anything I have tried brought
peace and hope into my heart where I want it the most? Never. Am I worse off than when I was before? Most definitely! I have been picked on as long as I can
remember. I’ve been told
countless times, “nobody likes you, nobody wants you, you don’t matter, nobody
cares, and you will never amount to anything”. I am a failure as a friend. I am more depressed than I have ever
been. My life is a downward
spiral of failure, rejection, being used, addiction, depression, and messing up
other people’s lives.
There is not one person I can think of outside
of my family that even cares if I am alive. If God really needed me, He would have
done something to stop all this stuff. I’ve
gone to Him in church, in prayer, in reading a Bible, in scientology, through
Buddha, and even by meditation. Have
I found Him or even experienced Him even once? Not that I can remember.
Is there anything I can do to make my life
better? I don’t know
anymore. I have tried so
many things and nothing seems to work. Is
there anything that can make this pain go away? Death, if I am dead then I
won’t hurt anymore. Dead is
dead right? So now, how do
I do it? How do I find the courage to finally end this miserable life that I
think I am in? Courage, I
don’t have even an ounce of it in my soul. I am even a coward.
I
hope you get the point of what I was trying to show you in that last few
paragraphs. In my own
delusional mind; I convinced myself that life sucked, God did not care, I did
not matter to anyone, and I pretty much was ruining other people’s lives. I had no opportunity or even the
talent to succeed. If God
really had a plan for me and needed me, everything would be different. God, if He even existed made a mistake
when He made me. That
pretty sums up my deranged thoughts and the lies satan wanted me to believe.
If I had only known and understood what
Jeremiah wrote in Jeremiah 29:11 when I
was a teenager.
Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,"
declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you
hope and a future.”
 |
| This is me and my wife Carri in Hungary during our first foreign mission trip in 2007 |
I never understood back then that God really
did have plans for me. What
I didn’t know then, is what my biggest problems were. I allowed other people to define who I was, I
tried to define God and who He was by my standards, and I pursued my own plans. My plans were doomed for failure
because of these problems.
May my
life be the proof and evidence of Christ's love
No comments:
Post a Comment